Dialog With Doctor Drums Up Deep, Disquieting Debate Within

I had my 2nd follow up with my surgeon yesterday, 4 weeks since the accident. Monday marks 4 weeks since my surgery.

The light-hearted and upbeat visit started with a firm, but warm handshake from my doctor. (Andrew and I agree he looks really familiar.) As he turned to wash his hands, the subtle bantering began ~ he commented, "You're face is looking more and more human."

Caught off guard by his humorous candor, the only response I could muster up was a laughing "THANKS ALOT! That's really encouraging!"

He checked a couple things here and there, but went on to tell me what to expect during my treatment plan. Here it is in a nutshell: swelling may take up to 2-3 months to subside; tightness in the jaw will loosen over time with exercise (continue with the goofy faces); I'll start physical therapy to help increase mobility of my jaw; my orthodontist will put prosthetic teeth in place until I'm able to get dental implants; this will start when my surgeon feels my jaw is strong enough; he'll do some bone grafting, which takes 3-4 months to heal; after which my dentist will complete the implants which takes another 3-4 months of healing; all the while, my orthodontist will aid in the proper alignment of my teeth.

Bottom line ~ He said he's estimating 2 years for full completion of my treatment plan, barring the need for another surgery if the bones don't heal correctly, which won't be known for about a year.

Andrew and I turned to each other and just said, "Wow."

We knew the road would be long ... we just didn't know how long ... or the intricacies and collaboration that would be involved. I have many visits to my doctor, surgeon, orthodontist, dentist, physical therapist, and chiropractor in store.

My immediate thought was, "Ok, that's ok. I'm grateful neurosurgeons or oncologists aren't included on that list."

So even though I asked a couple weeks ago, given the new information, I had to ask again, "So when can I ride?"

He said, "Ride what?" (Remember, he's kindof a smart aleck?!?)

I said, "My bike, when can I ride again?!"

He said, "You're ready to ride?"

I said, "I've been ready!"

His immediate response was, "Usually not for 3 months (after surgery)."

I turned to grab a tissue, because I started to tear up. (I don't know what I was thinking, hoping to get clearance yesterday.)

Realizing he was addressing a bike enthusiast and not just a casual rider, he slowed down and explained: it normally takes 6-8 weeks for the bones to heal. It's only been 4, so the bones are still soft. He wants me to get a couple physical therapy sessions in, another follow up in a couple weeks ... then he said he may consider releasing me after 6-8 weeks as opposed to 3 months, depending on how things are coming along.

Given his explanation - I guess I understand. He did say I can ride on a trainer in the house.

Andrew was relieved I think. But seeing I was discouraged, he took me to a couple bike shops after the appointment. Bless his heart.

Here's where the "disquieting debate" with myself began this morning ...

Two years is a long time, but what am I complaining about ... at least I'm not wondering whether I'll be alive in 2 years. I'm worried about my teeth, and eating, and kissing my husband, for goodness sake!

I'm already missing the Marin and Honolulu rides. What if I can't recover in time for the Tucson ride? What am I whining about ... even though I can't ride right now, at least I CAN still ride later!

Ok, so it's really not so bad, I tell myself trying to diminish the effects of the accident ... though the accident was pretty traumatic.

I'm mad at myself for being discouraged when things could be alot worse. And yet, I'm mad at myself for not being okay with having these emotion-filled moments, however brief they are. C'mon, even Jesus wept, I'm remided. It's okay.

If you pray for anything for me ~ pray for patience ... that I'll have patience in my recovery process and have patience with myself.

God is with me; I know I'll be fine. I just need to remember, "It's a better ride than it is a drive." (June 30th post.)

Thanks for letting me share.